She turned 13 just a few days after my 31st..To my daughter Cidnee Jo- I Love You!

I Love You!
When you were born, I held you in my arms and just kept smiling at you!
You always smiled back, your big brown eyes wide open, full of love
You were such a beautiful, good sweet baby
Now as I watch you grow up and become your own person
I look at you- your laughter, your happiness, your simplicity
And I know that you will be able to enjoy life of sensitivity, goodness, accomplishment and love in a world that hopefully is at peace
I want you to know I am always proud of you and I dearly love you!

Love your Best Friend and Mom

Lost my pet rock

Could you imagine after all the publicity and talk up I give my rock after a couple of short years together it loses me! Or I lost it...
At a time I need it the most. I've lost my job, poor as dirt and nothing seems to go right. I lost my "BELIEVE". And don't know what to do. I still have my Sonny, but scare to talk about him, might lose him too! LOL

Fiction

I’ve always enjoyed fiction, as a child I would play make believe and my grandfather would tell me some unbelievable stories. I loved it. Believing in the unbelievable and dreaming of another life. I would always end up back in reality eventually. No matter how old I am I have never stopped dreaming, no changed the topics of my daytime delights. Of course they all end with me living the extreme. I tend to go in the zone when I have to do something grown up and not fun. Often I can have an entire new business opportunity figured out by the time I am done mowing or doing laundry. The older I get, the less time I waste on waiting for the dream to come true and more just enjoy the gratification of being young enough to still dream. Funny that the more I achieved the high standard and more elaborate my make believe self would futuristically be me.
When I was in junior high my dream was to be a famous writer, travel the world and join the peace corps. Fifteen years later I find myself living in the exact city that I flew to for the first flight in my life to visit the love of my life, my high school sweet heart at the time was going to college in Tulsa. I saved my paper route money and bought a plane ticket to visit him. He cheated on me, got a girl pregnant and he later married her. They never left town to this day- I don’t think either of them spend much time dreaming or looking outside of the box.
What I didn’t know was that I wasn’t missing anything and broke the mold in that area of Illinois. And it was meant for me to do the things I only dreamed about. It all just fell on my lap one day- then gradually my entire life changed. The more my life changes the more I dream and start to believe. A pilot brought me back to Tulsa, we met a week before I finished college. A few years after I divorced and laid myself out like a welcome mat, tried on a few men who weren’t my size and was just hanging out in Fictionary World doing the “Dusti thing”. And here I am now, close to celebrating my second year living in Tulsa plus our fourth year of being together and each year is getting better and better.

Tom Clancy once said " The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense!"

I bartend on Friday nights at a small town karaoke bar close to my house. This young man came in, approached me like we’d met somewhere before. I hadn’t a clue or recognition for this man. After a while I asked him, how do you know me? He answered “ Heard the guy sitting on the end say your name when I walked in.” After two beers the guy seemed extremely intoxicated, not even wanting to finish what he had. No long after that it was like the zoo let out- he was playing pool, then building a ladder with straws, and bouquet with napkins. Bouncing off the walls and then paranoia set in- he started thinking people were talking bad about him. I asked him what he was on- he couldn’t even figure that out. “Any mold off cow shit?” I went into deep questioning, I was puzzled how someone could be so messed up. There’s no way it was those beers- he had an additive and the rest of the town must have known about it. After he finally wore off and moved on, these two ladies come in with a man. The girls could have passed for sisters, seemed quite and simple- a wine and soda for the ladies and bottled beer for the man. Kept to themselves and stayed at a table off to the side. After a few glasses of wine for the ladies, a handful of Mexican laborers staying next door at the motel cruised through the door. Before too long the ladies were riding the Mexicans like horses wearing their cowboy hats! Where their date went to I have no clue, but the straw ladder builder showed back up. Then complaints started coming in from the regulars of the sisters propositioning them for a three some. So I’m sure the Mexicans and crack head were going to have some fun. But then one of the sisters turned up missing and the crack head was the last to be seen with her. In the end search she checked into a motel next door and passed out. Funny, the crack head had hickeys on his neck- fresh looking. Funny how much liquor can help some people but destroy others.
My mom is a fifth a day alcoholic and hasn’t dated in fifteen years, let alone leave her tiny town- that anyone knows of. And then my lover battled a liter of vodka a day for ten years of his charter pilot career - never coming home and sometimes renting multiple hotel rooms each night forgetting where he had one earlier that evening. Puzzles me to see how close I got to be like them. Loneliness can fade the heart.
I got my first bartending job when I was twenty-three. I was going through a divorce and needed instant cash to take care of my girls- just babies at the time. My cousin had a friend that owned a restaurant and bar. “THE BLUE DOOR RESTAURANT and BAR” was one of three taverns in this tiny farming village south of Decatur, Illinois. Busy place for the size. I met some characters there! And really enjoyed myself, I learned to laugh again. The first people I clicked with was Susie and Paul. Through time they started to feel like my mom and dad. I enjoyed them, Susie and I had everything to talk about. And Paul and I just clicked. The regulars started to form an addiction for this bowling machine that was new to the arcade world. Before too long they took off with it- forming leagues, teams and tourneys. Paul was the first to get a 300 (perfect score) and to commemorate himself he started the “300 Club”. And later that summer I was the first woman to join the 300 Club. Another fixture or “BLUE DOOR BOARD MEMBER” was a gentle soul he just came across awkward. My first encounter with C - he went by the first letter of his last name, his first appearance on my shift he came in really trashed on his bicycle. Eye glasses were dark, hadn’t shaved in a while and looked really lost. He parked the bike down the hall next to the bathrooms and sat on a bench next to a card board bud light bikini girl. Eventually he started to have a conversation with the cardboard beauty, but he couldn’t understand why she wouldn’t answer him back, even after he bought her a drink- she wouldn’t touch it. He became increasingly aggravated with her arrogant and motionless attitude. So he stomped off to the ole pay phone - which had been out of service for years- and he deiced to call one of his old flames to vent his unfortunate event with the bud light girl. Then he got mad because no one on the phone would answer him so he jumped on his bike, chased me around the bar and out the door. I still laugh about that to this day. The more I learned about him, the more interesting he became and now I would consider him a friend. He lives in an old weight station. He turned to office/dock into a house. So it looks like a ½ of house, which it is….when he would have cookouts or yard parties he would advertise “PARTY AT THE 1/2WAY HOUSE BRING YOUR OWN PAJAMAS”.

Bringing My Heart Back To Life

For my 17th birthday I bought myself a tattoo. Rebellious, I was scared with my head still together I decided to go with a small 1x1 heart on my right ankle. After my 16th birthday things changed for me in a devastating and confusing way. Putting my heart on my ankle was my best release to take a personal stand not to be vulnerable again or let anyone close to my heart. That tattoo and a fifth of cheap whisky washed away the years heart break and pain.
Now, close to fifteen years later I have a small faded heart. Things have started to change for me over the years and I am ready to see my heart vibrant and I would like to put tokens that represent people in my life that I have let close to my heart again through the years. I guess you could say it’s will look like a charm anklet. Each charm will represent someone close to my heart. The vibrant charms are those still living and the faded are honoring those that have crossed over.
Besides bring my heart back to life, it is also getting jazzed up. In the middle I am having it lightened and a map symbol for waterfall shining out like a diamond. The top right of the heart will have a Purple hat tipping and two pieces of wheat tangled to enhance the bottom. The hat is for my Grandmother Mickey and her style that has instilled in me. I honored my Kroenlein Grandparents for their family farm with the tied pieces of wheat. To the right, a Ocean blue and Topaz Scorpio vibrant to present Cidnee. She is my first born, under the sign of Scorpio in the stone of Topaz, November.
To the left, peridot, hot pink and perwinkle blue colored butterfly with wings partially spread in honor of Carlee’s double digit birthday. (Starting to spread her wings) 2nd to the right, Bright Leprechaun green Celtic tree of life beaming with sunshine to represent my Mom and her giving me life. Her family heritage is primarily Irish. 2nd to the left, 1x1 faded yellow/white 55 Chevy belair in memory of my father. 3rd to the right faded purple book with yellow trim and rose on the cover in honor of my great grandmother Dot. 4th to the right ,faded paint brush with blue paint on it to keep my grand-dad Willy Bob close to my heart. 3rd to the right, vibrant colored replica of my pet rock. Cobalt blue marble with gold letters. To remind me how much I am alive and how far I have came in life by just believing!